I bet I know why you’re here… you still think you were in the same relationship as your ex. Babe… you weren’t.

If your ex was avoidant-dismissive, you were basically living in two different Netflix series. You thought you were in Normal People. They thought they were in Squid Game: Emotional Edition. Same couch, same arguments, totally opposite beasts. Spoiler: you die first.

In your universe, love = safety. In theirs, love = a jump scare in a horror movie (flinch every time it shows up).

And, bad news, it’s not entirely their fault, because no, they didn’t wake up one day and decide to be emotionally constipated. That skillset got coded into their nervous system by childhood neglect and abuse. Yes, this is the part where you bring up his Mum.

 

In their world, closeness sets off big alarms. But here’s the thing, they didn’t meet you and think, you know what, she’s really nice… let me just confuse the fuck out of her for a few years and probably ruin her life for fun.

Because guess what… they didn’t invent those toxic habits as adults, that’s literally how they were taught love is shown.

That’s why it’s so insecure of you to not be able to see that he clearly loves you, and, clearly, his awful behaviour is obviously justified and necessary. I mean, what are you talking about, silly? Is your anxiety bad again?

Haha, just kidding.

 

But welcome to the Trauma Multiverse. Alright, bear with me here, you’ll get it in a min.

It all started once upon a time when these man children were real children. Basically, every time they reached out for love, they got mugged off instead.

 

How Kids Reach for Closeness (and Get Mugged Off)

Psychologists call these “bids for connection.” Kids just call them “please notice me so I don’t feel like a problem.”

• “Will you read me a bedtime story?” → code for “Can I trust you when I’m at my most vulnerable?”
• “Watch me!” → code for “Is my cartwheel more interesting than your phone?”
• “Are you mad at me?” → code for “Can we repair this before I spiral into therapy fodder?”
• “Can I sit with you?” → code for “Am I welcome here, or should I take my juice box elsewhere?”

If you remember waiting all day to show off your school project and your parent barely looked up? That wasn’t ‘just life.’ That was rejection.

When these bids get brushed off, the child’s nervous system doesn’t file it under “Mum was tired.” It files it under: “Love is unsafe. Don’t ask again. Stay easy. Stay unproblematic.”

But here’s a secret we know that they don’t: That’s not resilience. That’s complete emotional shutdown. And I hear it really sucks.

 

Everyday Rejections (death by a thousand eye-rolls)

Tiny things that don’t look like abuse when you’re exhausted and your kid hasn’t shut up all day, but stack enough of them up and you get an adult who panics at intimacy:

• “Not now, I’m busy.” → translation: “My Stardew crops matter more than you.”
• “Stop being silly.” → translation: “Your fear is stand-up comedy.”
• Parent scrolling Instagram while kid shows off macaroni art → childhood main character moment cancelled.
• “You’ll be fine.” → translation: “Here’s a pat on the head, now go trauma-bond with your teddy.”

Mary Ainsworth even proved it with science in the 70s: avoidant kids looked fully chill when their parent left the room, but tests showed their panic button (cortisol) was blasting. They weren’t calm at all. But they werepanicking on mute.

So, basically, they couldn’t physically communicate their stress, but it was there, under the surface, just simmering, causing issues that they couldn’t physically communicate. Sound familiar?

Another secret that we know but they don’t: That’s not independence. That’s fear in a lonely disguise.

 

Extreme Emotional Neglect (parenting on airplane mode)

These are the premium abuse features; you’ll be familiar if you had the upgrade too:

• No “I love you,” no warmth, no affection. Basically, Airbnb hosts, not parents.
• Silent treatment for days over spilled juice.
• Love only if you perform: grades, trophies, achievements.
• Nightmares? Cry into the void, not their problem.
• Rules with no explanation or logic, love felt like playing roulette.
• Every emotion punished until the only option is total emotional numbness.

Allan Schore (very smart man) calls this “mis-attunement.” But I call it ‘raising your kid like a bad Airbnb guest: here’s the keys, don’t bother me, good luck not burning the place down because the consequences you’ll face will be disproportionate and traumatising.’

That’s not “teaching grit.” That’s emotional deprivation.

 

But, What Is A Need, Really?

Brought to you by DDWTF…A truth bomb, that everyone here needs to hear…it’s going to be big, and it’s going to be life-changing. So I’m going to be very clear: having needs isn’t a weakness (stop mentioning it in job interviews). It’s quite literally imperative to survival as a human. Yes, even in the 21^st century.

And you guessed it, it’s science. And science always brings receipts:

 

Biological Needs in Children

• Crying to be fed → panic button (cortisol) spikes until soothed.
• Wanting to be held after a nightmare → cuddle chemical (oxytocin) calms the body.
• Holding a hand at the road → survival instinct, not babyish.
• Falling off a bike and running for comfort → nervous system reset.
• Being sick and wanting to be cared for → it has an immune system boosting effect, it isn’t attention-seeking.

Emotional Needs in Children

• Praise for your ugly but iconic macaroni drawing → surge of happy hormone (dopamine).
• Comfort after Erin at school calls you weird → balance restored by the cuddle chemical (oxytocin) + the vibes manager (serotonin).
• Reassurance after being yelled at → nervous system reset.
• Sharing a snail story and being engaged with → identity strengthened by happy hormone (dopamine).
• A hug for no reason → cuddle chemical + happy hormone teaches that love is safe.
• Rules explained → vibes manager understands boundaries as security, not abandonment.

Psychologists call this co-regulation. I call it “downloading adulting from the parent cloud.” No Wi-Fi? You’re left buffering for life.

That’s not “tough love.” That’s neglect.

 

What Should Have Happened In Everyone’s Childhood (Spoiler: it doesn’t involve being mugged off)

Healthy parenting looks boring. And boring is the point, boring is safe.

• Kid scared of thunder → “Yeah, it’s loud, but you’re safe because I promise it can’t hurt you, and I’m here to keep you safe.”
• Kid wants to play → “Not now I need to get started cooking dinner so we don’t get too hungry, but we can play later.”
• Parent snaps → “I’m sorry I yelled, I was feeling angry but that still wasn’t okay. I’m sorry and I love you.”

That’s repair. That’s stability. It’s also really hard when kids never stop talking.

 

The Cocktail No One Asked For

Abuse and neglect don’t just make you feel sad. You don’t just get over it. They hardwire your brain cocktail into a drink Gordon Ramsay would spit back in your face and call you an idiot martini:

• Panic button (cortisol): supposed to switch off after stress. Abuse will make sure it’s stuck on ‘you aren’t sure, but you swear you just heard someone in the kitchen…but aren’t you home alone?’ mode forever.
• Cuddle chemical (oxytocin): meant to make hugs soothing. For avoidants, it makes them feel like duct tape restraining them, and not in a fun way.
• Happy hormone (dopamine): meant to reward bonding with other humans. Avoidants think they get the reward for leaving the room fastest before any bonding can possibly happen.
• Vibes manager (serotonin): supposed to balance mood. In Avoidants they were fired early. Chaos reigns. Vibes change hours, good luck.
• Brake pedal (GABA): meant to calm everything down. But Avoidant’s brakes cut. Constant overdrive.

And those Avoidant exes of ours? Scans of their brains while watching an emotional film shows that while they looked calm and blank on the outside, inside their panic button was screaming.

Translation: emotional ticking time bomb.

That’s not “calm.” Last time I checked, that’s dangerous.

 

Dear Diary, WTF?

Unfortunately, childhood scripts don’t vanish like people claiming kids to be ‘the most resilient creature on the planet’ seem to believe. They just grow up and change their aesthetic.

• Bedtime story refused → emotional intimacy avoided.
• Hug brushed off → affection withheld.
• Need shamed → ghosting mid-fight.
• Silent treatment from mum → stonewalling partner.

You weren’t in a relationship with an emotional adult. You were dating someone’s unresolved childhood trauma in poor fitting jeans.

 

Myth-Busting (for the people in the back)

• Myth: They didn’t care.
• Reality: They cared, that’s why their panic button (cortisol) alerted DEFCON 1 every time you got close. I mean emotionally close; they didn’t want to slap you every time you walked into the room. Probably.
• Myth: They didn’t love you.Reality: They did, but their version of love comes laced with panic, withdrawal, avoidance, and suspicion. That’s not your fault, it’s their programming.
• Myth: They were cold on purpose.
• Reality: Withdrawal isn’t sass. It’s survival coding. When you fell off your bike as a child your parent ran to comfort you, so now you seek comfort from loved ones when you’re hurt. When they fell off their bike, their parent told them it was their fault. Because they’re stupid. And now everyone hates them. They learned that if they’rehurt, it’s easiest to stay quiet and isolate, because the other option is blame, ridicule and hatred. So now they’re hurt they seek isolation, generally with a side order of lying and manipulation
  • Reality: They thought they were being logical. Their nervous system convinced them you were the threat.
• Myth: You could’ve fixed them if you tried harder.
• Reality: You can’t out-love broken brain chemistry. Stop auditioning for saviour of the year. They need actual psychiatric help. Like, serious therapy, and probably some pills from a doctor that studied for at least 10 years. Honestly babe, you could’ve tattooed “SAFE AND LOVING” on your forehead and they’d still have only seen you as danger.

 

Why It Felt Personal

You aren’t too sensitive. And no, you shouldn’t just let it go.

When an avoidant shuts down, your brain translates it as rejection. That’s because it is rejection.

But ultimately, it’s because your nervous system is wired to believe connection = safety. Their nervous system is wired to believe connection = danger.

So, when you reached for love and got brushed off, your body logged it as “I must be unlovable.” Their body logged it as “I love this person but that means soon they are going to blame, ridicule and hate me.” Same event, two very different nervous systems, two completely different realities.

 

Welcome to the Trauma Multiverse. You’ve already been here for a while.

But that’s why it felt so cruel. It was emotional abandonment, but to them it was survival. And they didn’t know the difference.

To be clear: that does not make it okay.

 

Believe Me, You Couldn’t Have Saved him, You Tried

So, if you’ve been replaying every argument wondering what you could’ve done differently? Here’s your answer, babe: absolutely nothing.

You were fluent in love. They were fluent in running away from it.

Your needs weren’t “too much.” Your scars are real. And the fact you kept reaching for someone who treated your love like junk mail? That’s not pathetic. That’s proof you know how love is supposed to feel, and you wanted them to know too. They’re just too broken to realise.

Because they were raised in a world where love was poison. Then you came and offered medicine. They spat it out. So you tried to give them more. And that doesn’t make you weak, that doesn’t make you manipulative, that makes them broken.

You weren’t clingy, you weren’t dramatic, and you sure as hell weren’t too much. You were just asking for the bare minimum: safety. He couldn’t give it. That’s not on you. He just wasn’t enough.

Again, to be clear: Their wiring explains why he acted this was. It never minimises the abuse that you survived.

And, trust me, the only dickhead move here? His.

 

Dear diary, WTF? What Comes Next..

Now you know why they were like that. They were a traumatised nervous system running on outdated coding. That explains why it felt like you were dating a human landmine. Childhood rejection rewired their system into chaos.

That explains why what you went through happened in the way it did. It doesn’t make it any less abusive though.

An explanation is not an excuse. And if you’re still asking yourself how he justified it all, buckle up. Because the answer is in the next post: Dear diary, WTF? Why Your Ex Wasn’t Just a Dickhead. And it’s nothing to do with you.

 

 

Receipts (for survivors of the avoidant apocalypse)

 

• Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – Attached The mainstream attachment classic. Finally explains why your love story felt like “Please, for the love of God, text back” vs. “I’m busy being emotionally evasive.”
• Dr. Stan Tatkin – Wired for Love A therapist’s survival guide for when your partner’s nervous system acts like a cat in a thunderstorm. Clear, practical, slightly too hopeful — but solid science.
• Dr. Sue Johnson – Hold Me Tight The emotional intimacy manual for people who grew up on silent treatments and now panic when someone actually likes them. Spoiler: love is repairable, not magical.
• Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score Because trauma doesn’t disappear; it rents a flat in your nervous system and redecorates every relationship you’ll ever have.
• Allan Schore – Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self The dense neuroscience text that proved early mis-attunement wires the brain for lifelong emotional chaos. Read with caffeine and emotional support snacks.
• Mary Ainsworth – Patterns of Attachment The 1970s experiment receipts that started it all. Where psychologists discovered avoidant kids weren’t chill — just silently panicking.
• Peter Levine – Waking the Tiger Trauma theory in poetic form. Great if you like metaphors, animals, and finally understanding why your body won’t stop vibrating.
• Dr. Gabor Maté – The Myth of Normal A dissertation disguised as a bestseller. Explains how modern society normalises trauma, loneliness, and emotionally constipated men.
• John Bowlby – Attachment and Loss (Vol. 1–3) The original attachment theory trilogy. Heavy reading, but it’s like watching the prequel series that explains your entire love life.
• Terrence Real – Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship The couples-therapy rebrand of “stop enabling emotional toddlers.” Tough love with receipts.

 

Bonus Articles & Essays

 

• “Avoidant Attachment in Adulthood: How Childhood Neglect Shapes Intimacy” — Psychology Today
• “The Neurobiology of Attachment: How the Brain Learns Love” — Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience
• “Repetition Compulsion and Trauma Bonding Explained” — Verywell Mind
• “How to Stop Chasing Avoidants (and Start Healing)” — Therapy Den Journal