(and no, you shouldn’t go back to him. He’s still abusive as hell)
Congrats babe, you survived dating an avoidant dismissive. And now you’re here, staring at the ceiling, still wondering why the hell he treated you like that. Was he evil? Was he broken? Was he really just a dickhead?
Bad news: he wasn’t Dr. Evil 
plotting how to ruin your life. He was a little boy with mummy issues, flinching every time you asked for a cuddle like you were waving a tax bill in his face and demanding he cough up.
His nervous system was running the show, and to him, all the shitty things he did to you felt like genius survival strategies to extend the life of the +relationship. So thoughtful of him, I know. But don’t worry, neuroscience keeps the receipts.
His brain literally gave him gold stars for behaviours that demolished you. And that relationship he was so desperate to keep? Decimated.
And by “closeness,” let me be clear: I don’t mean sharing a Deliveroo. I’m talking emotional closeness, vulnerability, honesty, connection. Those late-night heart to hearts, talking about your wildest dreams and how you, together, could achieve them. You know, the stuff normal adults call emotional intimacy. To him? It felt like he was on the witness stand for his own murder trial.
You thought you were in Normal People. He thought he was in Squid Game: Emotional Edition. Same couch, same arguments, completely different universes.
But here’s the most important thing though, science will tell us why he exhibits these awful and damaging behaviours, it’ll show us how his brain chemistry was set up this way long before we showed up and fell victim to its harmful tactics.
That understanding is so valuable for us in its wake, because it helps us to recognise that none of it was about us not being good enough, it was about him not being good enough for us, and he knew he wasn’t and still tried to have us anyway. He is by no means innocent.
But for the girlies that need to understand why he did this to you, (me too, welcome) I present, his brain:
Why Their Brain Thinks Avoidance = Genius Move
His brain thinks every breakup is a TED Talk on emotional intelligence. Spoiler: it’s not.
Avoidants don’t experience their behaviour as cruel. They have had this behaviour modelled to them as a normal way to express love their whole life, why would their brain see it any other way now that the love of their life is on the line?
They experience these behaviours as logical and necessary and think that you are the crazy and clingy one for seeing it differently. And they really don’t like it when you ask them to see something in a way that frames them as anything but perfect, let me tell you.
It looks manipulative and cold. That’s because it is. But he doesn’t know that, and he doesn’t have the brain functionality to realise that the world might not be as cruel and horrible as his world was when he was little. That’s right, he’s literally too stupid to realise he is the only thing standing between him and fulfilment.
His abusive behaviour is his nervous system throwing a toddler tantrum because emotional closeness feels like you asked him to write mummy a thank-you note for the years of emotional neglect. Doesn’t make it any less abusive, but it does make it all about his relationship with himself (and his mum) and nothing to do with you or how he feels about you under all of his issues.
The second he ditches you? His brain hands him a gold star for “handling it like a man.” That’s why he thinks he’s convincing himself and everyone else that he’s the good guy for breaking up with you to ‘stop us destroying each other.’ Delusional AF, I know.
The Big Leagues (aka Avoidant Olympics)
Stonewalling:
To you, silence is torture. Your whole nervous system goes into panic mode. Your amygdala (the brain’s alarm bell) screams that you’ve been abandoned, so your cortisol spikes and you can’t focus on anything else. To him, silence = cortisol (stress) finally shutting up. The second he withdraws; his stress hormones drop like the share price of a tragically failing company after their Q1 numbers were published. 
He’s not reflecting, not empathizing, he’s sitting there marinating in relief, thinking, ‘wow, genius move, should’ve done it sooner!’That’s why you’re pacing, overthinking, typing drafts you’ll never send, while he’s watching YouTube like nothing happened.
Leaving you on read:
To you, rejection. It feels like a punch to the gut, like it’s evidence you don’t matter. Your attachment system reacts like watching someone reach for that snack you’ve been saving to eat later.
To him? Dopamine hits like a vape pen, quick, shallow, and addictive. And ignoring you gives him a hit every time he remembers he’s doing it. More on that later. But basically, every time he avoids replying, his brain rewards him with a little “atta boy” for maintaining distance. That tiny rush teaches his brain, see, ignoring her makes 
you feel good, must be an appropriate thing to do then!
As much as he might tell you it is, it isn’t deep “boundary work,” it’s basically Pavlov’s dog with blue ticks and deep disrespect.
Ghosting after intimacy:
To you, this is abandonment from a loved one while in your most vulnerable state, the ultimate betrayal. You open your heart to someone, your oxytocin (the bonding hormone) surges, and you feel safe, connected, closer.
To him, oxytocin acts like the worst translation app ever, your “I love you” lands more like
“she’s taking hostages, and I’m next!!”
For you, a spike in oxytocin makes you want to cuddle up on the couch. His brain believes that same oxytocin spike is indicative of danger, suffocation, loss of control.
The same chemical that makes you want to cuddle makes him feel smothered. Hugs feel like duct tape, vulnerability feels like handcuffs.
So, as you feel the relationship getting deeper and safer, his nervous system screams DANGER, ESCAPE, adrenaline floods in, and running away feels like oxygen. You’re left devastated, while he’s literally breathing easier because he’s alone.
Put simply, you bare your soul; he vanishes like Houdini with a Pornhub subscription.
The Convenient Panic Attack:
Chest tight, can’t breathe, vision narrowing. And the worst part: he’s not always faking it. His sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight mode) hijacks his body like a toddler smashing random buttons. You ask, “Where is this going?” and his brain processes it as: You’re under attack. Danger! Evacuate!
Heart rate spikes, adrenaline surges, cortisol floods, he feels like you just shoved him on stage at an Eras Tour show at Wembley. Shame he forgot to put any clothes on (your fault, obviously).
So yes, his panic is probably real… but it’s triggered by the most normal intimacy questions on earth, so no, you aren’t crazy, and you definitely aren’t the problem.
Withholding affection:
You feel the cruelty. You just wanted a hug, a touch, some warmth. To you, closeness is regulation, it calms your body, lowers your cortisol, makes you
feel safe. That’s literally what oxytocin (Cuddle Chemical) and serotonin (vibes manager) are designed to do.
To him, it feels like horrible, horrible control. His nervous system has been trained to interpret emotional closeness as danger, so when there is love behind physical closeness… can you hear the sirens?
When you lean in, his stress spikes: heart rate climbs, cortisol dumps, nervous system flares up. Physical touch, instead of calming him, feels like a demand on his resources. It’s like a phone (you) being plugged into a power bank (him) that’s already only got 1% battery itself.
So, what does he do? He pulls back. By withholding affection, he creates distance, and in his 
body, that distance is relief. His stress chemicals (cortisol) drop, and his brain rewards him with dopamine for “fixing the problem.” That little reward cements the loop: withholding is survival. A secret we know that they don’t… it’s not.
Here’s the kicker: his serotonin (vibes manager) is often unsteady (off sick). That chemical helps regulate mood and balance emotions. When it’s shaky, neither emotional or physical intimacy will soothe him, it destabilizes him instead. It makes him feel like you are manipulating him with niceness. So he convinces himself that pushing you away is “protecting his zen,” or “choosing himself” when really, it’s him silencing his own discomfort (and responsibility) at your expense.
The result? You feel punished, starved, unloved. He feels like he’s finally back in control. To him, the absence of affection is balance. To you, the absence of affection is abandonment.
And yes, he reframes it as maturity, as “space,” and “independence.” But strip away the fluff? He’s a sad lonely boy cosplaying as an unplugged fridge: cold, humming, empty, and incapable of storing anything nourishing.
But Why ARE These Man-Children Terrified of Words With Meaning
It’s honestly comical. You say: “I love you.” He hears: “You’ll never be able to do anything you enjoy again.” You say: “I bought your favourite snack” He hears: “Hand over your passport, you’re never leaving my side again.”
Avoidant men treat words with emotional weight like they are nuclear launch codes. And it is confusing when they tell you 
they love you more than anything they’ve ever loved in the world, but they’ve never given you a meaningful compliment or said anything positive about you to his friends. You aren’t crazy.
Remember that fucked up brain wiring we talked about earlier? Yeah, it’s back, and this time, words are the threat. Science will show us how their brain chemistry was set up this way long before we showed up and fell victim to its harmful tactics.
That is helpful for us in its wake, because it helps us to recognise that none of it was about you not being good enough, it was about him not being good enough for you, and he knew he wasn’t and still tried to have you anyway.
But for the girlies that need to understand why he did this to you, I present, his brain:
Their nervous system codes words as danger.
Emotional language (love, commitment, vulnerability) activates their attachment system. For them, that system is wired to equate closeness with control or rejection. So, your sentence doesn’t feel like “communication.” It’s a threat that’s just been detected. Their heart rate spikes, adrenaline surges, and suddenly you’re not a girlfriend, you’re a terrorist with a love-bomb.
They never learned to regulate emotion.
Growing up, these guys didn’t get comfort when they were 
upset. They got “man up,” “go to your room,” or straight-up silence. So, words that should feel soothing (like “I care about you”) make their insides short-circuit. They literally don’t have the wiring to process it as safe, so it sends them into a spiral. But we’re the ones always spiralling, right?
Words mean accountability.
Deep words force recognition. “You hurt me” directly equates to I did something wrong.“I need you” sounds like I’m responsible for their happiness. Their brain equates accountability with shame and losing control, which equates to I’m not good enough. No wonder they dodge it like the plague. And project it onto you.
Avoidance is their happy drug.
Every time they swerve an emotional conversation, they get that sweet, sweet dopamine hit. Avoidance feels like a big win. You get rejection, they get relief. To them, it’s not cruelty, it’s self-soothing. And that’s a boundary. And you can’t argue against a boundary.
Translation:
These man-children aren’t scared of your words because you’re scary. They’re scared because your words have meaning, and meaning equals intimacy, and intimacy sets off alarms in their nervous system. Basically, mummy made them sad so now they get to make you sad. Like it’s their birthright or something.
That’s why a simple, calm, 
totally valid question like:
“So why did you book a lads’ holiday on your birthday and not tell me?” sends him into a Victorian fainting spell.
To him, your words are handcuffs. To you, they’re just… words.
His nervous system is like an iPhone stuck on 1%. Every notification feels like the end of the world, and you asking for love is the low battery warning he tries to pretend isn’t happening.
Dear Diary, WTF?
So, babe unfortunately he wasn’t just a dickhead (don’t be fooled, he’s still a massive dickhead). He was a full-blown trauma response in designer trainers, punishing you for things his mum said in 2003. His nervous system was driving the Uber; you were just the stressed passenger praying for an exit.
You didn’t fail to love him enough. You simply didn’t realise you were dating someone who treats affection like tax evasion: deny, deflect, disappear. So you piled on more love thinking it would fix him, because how can more love ever be a bad thing?
And the second his bullshit got too obvious to hide behind “I’m just bad at texting”? He did what all emotionally constipated men do: rebranded his avoidance as “self-awareness.”
You can’t love someone out of their own survival mode. But you can love yourself enough to stop trying.
Congratulations, you’ve met the final boss of attachment dysfunction, the man who makes “I need space” his entire personality.
– ddwtf x
